Feeling incompetent was one of my issues. At school, I was one of the bigger nerds. I thought that if I could just keep my grades up, maybe I would be worth something.
And so it happened that college passed and real life began. All of a sudden, there were no tests to measure how much you have learned, there were no report cards to validate how much you “applied yourself”, there were no stats to reflect your perfect attendance, no diplomas to prove that you were a “good” student, a “smart” person. It was very different.
When I stepped out into the world, it was “every man for himself”. Can you imagine how bewildering that was for someone who spent her entire life being told what to do? Out there in the “wild”, it was elementary school all over again. I was a kid in piggy tails, eagerly awaiting her teacher’s instructions.
But once a nerd, always a nerd. So, when rock and roll got a hold of me, I simply treated it as a subject in school. I pushed myself to be the “best rocker that I could be” (whatever that means). Other people’s approval became my report card, my form of validation. When I got hate mail, I treated it like a 70, a “Needs Improvement” on my record. When someone asked for my autograph, I patted myself on the back for a job well done. Tiring? Yes. Pathetic? Absolutely.
It was my nature to study everything, to want to know as much I can, to research, to have data, to have proof, and to always be certain. When I was being a nerd, I had control and life wasn’t so intimidating.
By now you can guess why the “Jesus thing” was very hard for me to grasp at first.
That afternoon in Camp Bagong Diwa, as I stood watching the inmates lift their faces up to the heavens and sing praises to God, I was completely and utterly in awe. (See last post for reference).
I could not deny His presence. I could not deny God’s hand in that. Even the hardest-hearted, toughest criminal of the bunch would not have been able to say that nothing tremendous was happening there. There is power in singing and even greater power in singing to the Lord.
But still, I was skeptical. I did not trust my emotions. My heart was saying, “What other proof do you need?” but my mind screamed for facts. “You’re going to let this sentimental cryfest get the better of you? Simple logic does not support the supernatural. Get a hold of yourself, woman.” Oh, it was stubborn, alright.
It wasn’t until much later on that I learned that all that studying, that constant need for proof, and that “logical” brain of mine was really just my ego scared to death of surrendering/ leaving it all up to God. I could not blame myself, either. After all, God wasn’t that tangible to me yet. It was like asking me to walk off a cliff and just expect to sprout wings.
In fact, it was only two months ago that I allowed myself to completely and totally surrender myself to God. (What happened? Well, I met the man I’m going to marry, but more about that in the following entries. Reason for you to keep reading, you know. Hehehe.)
Do I still feel that I am walking off a cliff? Every single day. The only difference is, now I have a solid bridge to keep me from plunging into the nothingness below. That bridge is Jesus, and I tell you, He is the sturdiest, most trustworthy and strongest bridge there is.
I guess my point is this:
To truly believe in God and His beautiful, perfect plan for me, I had to stop looking for facts, scientific proof, data and statistics.
I had to stop being a nerd and just let Jesus IN.
And you know what?
It’s the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
“So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.” Romans 10:17